Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

While most of you undoubtedly were kicking off the holiday weekend last night by toasting Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore, we met in an underground parking garage with our Deep Throat, who handed over a new collection of Wallyisms. He also noted that our Monday post failed to list some gems contained in the first batch that he gave us; we have published those omissions below. (We don’t quite know what to make of this, but, as our meeting ended, he tossed his cigarette on the pavement, ground it out with his leather shoe and warned, “Everyone’s life is in danger.”) Without further ado:

6/18/2006: Taylor, who relied heavily on a great counterpunch for most of his scoring, was more aggressive in the middle of the ring and he beat the living hell out of Wright’s gloves, which the crowd thought was scoring hits, but they are not.

6/21/2006: The sports department of this newspaper is looking for the 18 hardest holes in the state. The hole you get a heaviness in your neck when you think about it.

2/15/2008: That day the temperature was 117 degrees outside, a dry heat, but then so is a microwave oven.

2/15/2008: It was again suggested Taylor might want to reconsider Steward, especially after he struggled against Cory Spinks, on a night when Kelly Pavlik knocked out Edison Miranda and Steward later claimed he had wanted Taylor to fight Miranda, who has a powerful punch and a glass jaw.

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

Discerning readers will note that it’s been a while since we’ve published a Wally Watch. But, we’re happy to drag this feature out of the moth balls - with a different twist. Instead of the usual focus on a specific column or two, what follows is a collection of Wallyisms - those wonderfully bizarre, illogical and grammatically incorrect sentences or paragraphs that could only emanate from the keyboard of the sports editor of Arkansas’ largest daily newspaper.

Note: These Wallyisms were collected not by us but by a source who has requested anonymity. We realize that guessing the identity of this source will soon become a favorite parlor game of Razorback fans, but do not bother to ask us to reveal this brave man’s name. The protection of confidential sources is something that we take extremely seriously here at RazorbackExpats, and we are willing to send one of our unpaid interns to jail if ordered by a court to name this person. (The only thing we will say about our source is that Hal Holbrook is slated to play him in the upcoming “RazorbackExpats: The Movie.”) Now, on with the Wallyisms.

2/26/2006: There wasn’t enough right guards to handle Arkansas’ defense in the second half here.

3/08/2006: Her office is a plethora of sports pictures.

3/14/2006: They also run a zone defense, which has not been something the Razorbacks have been very comfortable with this season, although matchup zones have not been as troublesome and that’s what Bucknell runs.

(Read on …)

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

Jan. 8, 2008: Arkansas would be a good fit for BCS festivities.

Primary Theme: It’s a bit hard to tell, but the gist of it seems to be the controversial assertion that Arkansas administration and fans would enjoy a trip to the BCS title game.

Secondary Themes: LSU outplayed Ohio State. The SEC is good at football.

Really Going Out on a Limb Here: “Arkansas fans would fit in very well in a championship environment.” It’s nice to hear that this long-running debate has finally been settled.

Choice Analogy (Cajun-style): “Early Doucet got the touchdown after he shucked two defenders as easily as he could a crawfish head”

Our Analysis: Even by Wally’s standards, this is a fairly confusing column. It begins with some generic information about Jeff Long’s attendance at the BCS title game and then abruptly segues into a straightforward recap of the game’s major events before sort of returning to the main theme at the very end.

Although the game itself did have some interesting angles - the validity of LSU’s “championship”, how the BCS mess impacts the future prospects of a college football playoff (or “plus 1″ game) or the significance to the Razorback football program of having recently beaten the new national champs, to name three - unsurprisingly Wally stayed pretty far away from them. He did manage to include some slightly suck-uppish comments about the greatness of Razorback fans, though (one of his go-to moves). So, as Razorback fans ourselves, thanks for the kind words!

In the most recent edition of The Arkansas Times, Bob Lancaster offers a hilarious review of 2007. Below, I’ve cut and pasted Lancaster’s two comments on Wally Hall:

Best Wally ride - In one of his sports columns in March, Wally Hall wrote of a traffic accident involving a Jeep Jerokee.

Best Wally bet - In one of his sports columns in May, Wally announced his patriotic support for “the war being wagered in Iraq.”

I just had a breakthrough thought on how to handle the coaching search: structure it as a nationally televised game show called “Who Wants to Coach the Razorbacks?” with Jeff Long as your affable and charming host. Don’t laugh…it could work.

Meanwhile, the search itself has settled into a bit of a post-Tommy T/Tommy B lull. Since we don’t have too much insight to add at this point, instead allow us to direct you to some of the latest and greatest coaching search links:

* Arkansas Sports 360 points out that our search is making a lot of other coaches rich…all it takes is the Razorback Foundation’s plane to land in town and - boom! - it’s time for a fat contract extension. While they’re jetting around the country, I wonder if the they would mind stopping by my office?

* Speaking of that, will Wake Forest’s Jim Grobe be the next one to hit the Razorback search jackpot? (smart money says yes)

* It’s been awhile since I read Revelations, but I seem to recall that this is the 6th sign of the apocalypse: Wally Hall’s column today provides an extremely clear-headed and well-reasoned breakdown of the situation and what should happen next. Quibbles about his notorious single sentence paragraphs aside, I basically agree with him 100%. Better start stocking up on canned goods and bottled water, folks…things are getting weird.

* Harry King makes a similar point to Wally about where we should go from here. Another good article.

* If you’re like me, you’ve been wondering what Groucho Marx, Pete Townshend and Abe Lincoln could teach us about the current mess. The Razorbloggers have the answer, along with an insightful assessment of the situation.

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

***Special 1997 Edition***

We give just about anyone - even Wally - a pass for predictions and analysis made ten years ago. Having said that, when we uncovered this treasure trove of Wally columns (and other articles) from the days leading up Houston Nutt’s hiring it was too much to resist. So, break out your copy of the soundtrack from Titanic, remember a time when you didn’t know the name Monica Lewinsky, and travel with us to December 1997 for this retro Wally Watch.

December 2, 1997: “Here’s the early line on UA coaching candidates”

Primary Theme: A ranking of the top candidates to replace Danny Ford, with a little classic Wally humor thrown in. Actually a pretty interesting read 10 years later.

Some Things Never Change: Butch Davis is listed as one of the top candidates. Maybe the 3rd time will be the charm, Butch.

To Be Fair, Sir Isaac Newton Never Developed a Passing Game Either: He describes Houston Nutt (who is 2nd on the list) as “innovative and an offensive genius.” Wow!

December 4, 1997: “Hectic coaching search is getting downright Nutty”

Primary Theme: Wally makes his impassioned case as to why Nutt is the man for the job, complete with now-familiar biographical details. Reads a bit like a nomination speech at a political convention (tip: imagining Wally delivering this column as an oration in front of thousands of fired-up fans makes reading it a lot more fun).

Choice Analogy (Two-for-One Special): “In fact, whether he gets the job or not, he fits like gravy on biscuits. Like a new cordless power drill under the Christmas tree.”

Maybe He’s Talking About Another Houston Nutt: As part of the bio, Wally explains Houston’s offensive philosophy, saying that he “calls his own plays and his two favorite are the deep pass and the short pass, not necessarily in that order.”

December 7, 1997: “Arkansas fans expect, deserve a sincere search.”

Primary Theme: Momentum in the coaching search seems to have shifted away from Nutt and towards Tommy Tuberville, and Wally is pouting a little bit.

High Horse Alert!: Wally crusades for truth, justice and liberty for all, saying “the wording at the news conference of how they came about selecting Tuberville will be a masterpiece of craftsmanship and deception if he is chosen.”

You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet: “The Razorback Foundation must be loaded, the way it shells out money today.”

December 14, 1997: “Nutt brothers learned their parents’ lessons well”

Primary Theme: Nutt has been hired, and Wally paints a picture so all-American it makes Beaver Cleaver look like a dangerous radical.

Thank Goodness We Didn’t Hire One of Those Damn Hippie Coaches: “In an era of long hair, wild clothes and loud music, the Nutt brothers were different. They had short hair and conservative clothes. Adults were “sir” or “ma’am,” and the saltiest words in their vocabulary were “please” and “thank you.” No one called them weird. They were wholesome.”

Unintentional Irony Alert: Writing about teenage rebellion (hint: Nutt didn’t have any), Wally says “Oh, there was probably a secret girlfriend or two at school…”

Relevant Fact: Mrs. Nutt makes her chocolate cookies from scratch. Thank God! Tommy Tuberville’s mom, a known Communist, probably uses a pre-made mix.

During the weekend of the South Carolina game, I had the pleasure of returning to the Natural State (Little Rock, to be specific) for the first time in about a year. While there, I managed to make note of a few blog-worthy observations:

* The Clinton Presidential Library has some neat tidibts for Hog fans. My favorites were these notes back & forth from Pres. Clinton and Nolan in March 1994 (plus this other page with all the signatures from the 1993-94 bball team). The best part, obviously, is the handwritten “Win the NCAA!” at the end of Clinton’s letter…I guess the team took that Presidential order pretty seriously. And am I crazy or did Nolan misspell “tough”?

* I really should watch games with my dad more often. Before the South Carolina game, the most recent Razorback game we had watched together was last year’s triumphant win over Tennessee (which seems like ancient history now, of course). Is it a coincidence that the Hogs’ only two quality wins in the last 365 days occurred when I watched games with my dad? I think not…you are all welcome to take up a collection to fund me returning to LR more often.

* Wally Hall looks different than I remembered. I’m so used to the bearded Wally in our iconic Wally Watch graphic that I barely recognized the shaved, glasses-wearing Wally staring out at me from the Democrat-Gazette. For a second, I thought Leonard Maltin had taken over the “Like It Is” column (and yes, I know Leonard Maltin has a beard…just bear with me).

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

Nov. 6, 2007: All is well in Fayetteville, for one night at least.

Primary Theme: Saturday night was “a feel-good night” for the Razorbacks and their fans. Just so you don’t miss the point, Wally uses the phrase in both the opening and closing sentences of the column.

Choice Analogy: “The offense was clicking like a bullet train on jet fuel.”

Oh…Behave!: “Crisp temperatures and passionately hot fans [our italics] gave the reddrenched [sic] stadium an incredible atmosphere, especially in the first half.”

Huh?: “Razorbacks football games are about the kids and competition, never the coach.” Seriously … never?

Interesting Info: “[Saturday’s win] doesn’t assure them of playing in a bowl game since the SEC could have as many as 11 teams vying for eight bowls (not including any at-large berths that might come open ), but one bowl official said he thought 8-4 would put Arkansas in the Chick-Fil-A in Atlanta.”

Redundant Phrasing: Eleven of the column’s 35 sentences begin with the phrase, “It was a night … .” The last sentence starts with, “It was a feel-good night … .” Finally, Wally realized the need to mix things up.

He Likes His Sentences Solo: Speaking of the number of sentences, notice that the piece features 33 paragraphs! One of our astute readers recently e-mailed us to vent about, as he put it, Wally’s “patented ‘one-sentence-per-paragraph-because-all-of-my- sentences-are-so-insightful-that-they-deserve-to-stand-alone’ style of writing.” The e-mailer went on to add, “I now have to count his sentences and count the paragraphs. There is usually fewer than five multi-sentence paragraphs … Now that I have told you this, you will count, too. You can’t help it.” Indeed we can’t.

Our Analysis: Leave it to Wally to make reading about such a memorable night such tedious work.

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

Oct. 18, 2007: Only White knows what future holds for Nutt.

Primary Theme: Chancellor John White is the only person who knows what record the Hogs have to finish with for Houston Nutt to keep his job.

For the “Hard to Argue with” File: “Soon-to-be athletic director Jeff Long might know [if a 7-5 record would save Nutt’s job], but since he is currently an adviser to White, he might not know.”

We Get It: ” … Nutt’s contract is good to 2012. That’s 2012. If you missed it, 2012.”

Choice Analogy (Three for One Special): “The Razorbacks should roll through the Grove like Sherman did Atlanta. Like Appalachian State did Michigan. Like Bill Callahan did Steve Pederson.”

What Team Have You Been Watching?: “The Rebels rank 76th in defending the pass, and since the promise was made to open up the offense this week, the Hogs should be in fine form there.”

Our Analysis: A classic Wally effort, one in which he once again careens from point to point. After stating his thesis, he says the Hogs should adopt the spread offense for the next two seasons. Then, he compares Stan Heath’s winning percentage to Nutt’s and says allowing Nutt to stick around after this year may hurt White’s effort to hire more minorities. Then, it’s off to a detailed comparison of Ole Miss and Arkansas’ stats and to a glance at Arkansas’ chances against its remaining opponents. Finally, like a high school student ending a paper, he closes the article by restating a point he made way back at the beginning: “Of course, only Chancellor John White knows if there is even a magic number Houston Nutt needs to win.” Our heads are spinning.

Oct. 19, 2007: Grab a pencil for Hogs-Rebels entrance exam.

Primary Theme: Professor Hall gives his audience bad flashbacks to school by crafting his column in the form of a multiple choice test about the Arkansas-Ole Miss matchup.

Sample Question: If [Ole Miss Coach Ed] Orgeron and Reggie Herring got in a fight before the game, it would: A. Give the Hogs an advantage. B. Give the Rebels an advantage. C. Be worthy of HBO pay-per-view. D. Be a mild surprise.” Answer, according to Wally: C.

Sample Question, No. 2: “If [Marcus] Monk plays Saturday, he will have missed: A. Some bad football. B. Some team meetings. C. Two months. D. Breakfast.” Answer: C. Um, okay.

Our Analysis: A completely random and bizarre effort. We appreciate his attempt to shake things up, and we love a good game of trivia, but this column feels like Wally found himself slammed up against his deadline without the slightest idea of what he should write about. But, as we think more about it, don’t most of Wally’s columns seem that way?

Some stuff to read over while you wait for the kickoff of tonight’s SEC West showdown:

* Like moths to a flame: Freedom of Information requests can’t stay away from the Nutt brothers.

* The Hog Blogger has the latest installment of “As the Banner Turns.” Oh brother.

* God Blame the Queen: Still looking for someone to scapegoat for the Razorbacks’ 31-21 loss to Auburn in 1993? Former Auburn defensive end Ace Atkins has your answer: the Arkansas homecoming queen. (Note: You will need to scroll down about halfway down the post.)

* Auburn defensive coordinator Will Muschamp is sick and tired of hearing that the Hogs overpowered his defense last year.

* In a recent column on ESPN.com, Ron Higgins of the Memphis Commercial Appeal labels the Hogs the SEC’s biggest disappointment but also says Felix Jones is the league’s MVP so far.

* Wally summarizes the first Houston-Tuberville battle.

* In its midseason report, Rivals.com places Nutt at No. 2 on its “Five Coaches on the Hot Seat” list. Says Rivals: “You wonder if, deep down, Nutt wants out of Fayetteville. The guy led his team to the SEC West title last season and still endured an offseason of turmoil. But given the fickle nature of fan bases in the SEC, if the Hogs beat Auburn on Saturday, Nutt may be back in good graces Sunday.” Actually, we kinda doubt that.

Also, the knee injury to Marcus Monk comes in at No. 1 on the report’s “Five Biggest Injuries” list.

* Speaking yet again of Rivals.com, of the four gents making predictions on the site’s “Expert Picks” page, two are forecasting a Razorback victory tonight.