I know we’ve been posting a lot of Wally Hall content lately, and although I worry a bit about running that theme into the ground, it’s the offseason and pickings are slim. Plus, when I read his column today it had an almost lyrical quality that really jumped out at me…the obvious next step was to rearrange certain lines to form a free verse poem.

So, without further ado, allow me to present a work I call “An Island in a Rocky Sea”. It’s a little abstract, but also deeply meaningful…if there are any English majors out there, I look forward to reading your interpretations.

“An Island in a Rocky Sea”

It is a learning process.

Football is a game for tough guys.

Some coaches agree but don’t do a lot of hitting.

Petrino is not afraid to go for a home run with the long pass, either.

Left tackle is usually a guy on his own. An island in a rocky sea.

The offense is varied so the blocking schemes are too.

That once he did it was like a light came on.

Makes sense.

One has to wonder about that after reading the Ol’ Greybeard’s column from this morning.

In the piece, our learned and erudite “trusty scribe” mentions the long waits that coaches who were attending the Final Four and staying at a hotel in nearby Windsor, Canada, had when trying to cross the border into Detroit. Here’s the passage in question:

“Saying U.S. customs is a bit tougher than getting into Canada would be a huge understatement.

Word got around fast that one coach with a smart mouth – he sniped at Secret Service people when his team played the Arkansas Razorbacks and President Clinton came to the game – popped off and was strip-searched.

He didn’t mouth off but once.”

If memory serves, Clinton attended four Razorback games while he was president – all of which took place in the national championship season of 1993-94. The games were a regular-season contest against Texas Southern, and the Hogs’ final three games in the NCAA Tournament, which were against Michigan, Arizona and Duke. At that time, Texas Southern was coached by Robert Moreland, Michigan by Steve Fisher, Arizona by Lute Olson and Duke, of course, by Mike Krzyzewski.

The first three guys are no longer coaching, but retired coaches are known to attend the Final Four, so that doesn’t necessarily eliminate them as possibilities. But one look at Coach K’s sideline demeanor indicates he might not take too kindly to long waits at Customs.

Man, talk about schadenfreude …

Wait, what the hell am I talking about? This is from a Wally Hall column, after all, meaning the chances of the strip-search story being accurate are, shall we say, less than 100 percent. Furthermore, the passage in question contains the phrase “word got around,” which doesn’t indicate the most rock-solid reporting.

Oh well. One can hope.

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

March 31, 2009: TV deal gives SEC basketball a rebound shot

Primary Theme: The SEC’s recent television deal with ESPN will help raise the conference’s sagging basketball efforts. Also, something about the auto bailout.

Someone Please Tell Us What This Means: “Looking at the Final Four and realizing there is no team in it close to being west of the Mississippi River was another reminder of how much the SEC has slipped the past two years.”

No, Seriously…What Does That Mean?: After years of parsing Wally’s fractured grammar, we’re finally stumped by the above quote. Surely Wally knows that there is only SEC team west of the Mississippi, right? So what’s the connection? Please tell us if you know.

We Wish This Was Our Name: “This time next year, after the NBA Draft, [Hasheem Thabeet's] name also will be millionaire.”

Paging Alanis Morisette: We’re not sure if this is really all that ironic…”Perhaps there is a touch of irony in the fact Ford Motor Co. put up the bulk of the money to build Ford Field, and that was the American automaker that didn’t take any government bailout money.”

Our Analysis: One way you can judge whether Wally is in fine form or not is by looking at the first and last paragraphs (usually the same as the first and last sentences) to see if there’s any connection whatsoever between them. In that regard, this column really delivers: it begins with that geographically confusing statement about teams west of the Mississippi not making the Final Four, and ends with a note about General Motors canceling its suites and pregame parties during the Final Four. Well done!

* Today’s Wally Hall column probably deserves a full Wally Watch, but I don’t have time. Instead, I’ll just leave you with the image of Matt Jones mooning the Ol’ Greybeard:
“Later in his career, Matt would, among other things, turn his back on a reporter, bend over and pull down his pants. In most places that childish game is called mooning.”

* Our comrades in the HogBlogosphere, the Razorbloggers, have an interesting comment about Ryan Mallett up on their site today. Seems to be alluding to some troubling behavior on his part. Anyone want to weigh in further?
“Media relations aside, I hear he’s otherwise been following pretty close to MJ’s footsteps. The fact that Petrino is taking a fairly stern approach to Mallett makes me a little more hopeful than I was previously that we will see him on the field this fall.”

* After leading his team to a dominant 2-14 SEC record, Michael Washington is apparently pondering the idea of going pro. (The Morning News says “the situation still seems unresolved.“). Great.

*  And in further uplifting news, here are the words no Razorback fan wants to hear: “The NCAA is looking into the recruiting practices of the University of Arkansas men’s basketball program.”

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

March 8, 2009: Angst building, but Pelphrey needs more time.

Primary Theme: A schizophrenic, back & forth column in which Wally both supports and passive-aggressively undermines John Pelphrey. We’re a little confused about it ourselves.

Pelphrey Rules!: “Regardless of what happens today in Nashville, Tenn., it is far too early for anyone to be talking about a coaching change at the University of Arkansas.”

Pelphrey Sucks!: “…the program appears to be at its lowest point since Eddie Sutton came to Arkansas to build a basketball program.” (Note: that’s a lot of ‘programs’.)

Pelphrey Rules!: “John Pelphrey, though, did not create the current problems. He inherited them.”

Pelphrey Sucks!: “Yes, there are reasons for fans to be frustrated about this season and 13 conference losses, the most of any team in the SEC. Far too often there seems to be a player – take your pick – who has a brain freeze at a critical time in a game. It might be a silly foul, a shot taken way too soon, a breakdown on defense or just a bad shot, all of which are things that a head coach has to address.”

Pelphrey Rules!: “Rest assured the Hogs are not being taught to play that way in practice.”

Pelphrey Sucks!: “Everyone associated with the program will publicly deny it, but there is no doubt to the masses that there is an apparent lack of team chemistry that may include the coaching staff.”

Pelphrey Rules!: “Bottom line, he needs more time to fix the problems.”

Pelphrey Sucks!: “If he doesn’t within a reasonable time, that’s a different matter.”

Bottom Line: With its veiled hints, straightforward recounts of events we all knew already and ‘Wally, tell us more’ teases like “there have been issues with some about the excitement created with Courtney Fortson and Rotnei Clarke becoming part of the program”, this is in many ways the archetypal Wally Hall column. All it needs is a few folksy metaphors and a Mexican food reference to be complete.

As veteran Wally watchers, our take is that he really wanted to write an anti-Pelphrey column but couldn’t quite bring himself to do it, so he instead went with the passive-aggressive approach detailed above. But, reading between the lines it’s pretty clear that this is a backhanded slam. Knowing that Wally is a scholar of both Shakespeare and the classics above all else, we’ll assume that this is a sly allusion to the form and intent of Mark Antony’s famous “For Brutus is an honorable man” speech in Julius Caesar…clever!!

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

February 27, 2009: 2009 Razorbacks could learn from 1994 Hogs

Primary Theme: Something is rotten in Fayetteville, and the way to fix it is by following the example of the ’94 national champs.

Yes, We Counted: In classic Wally style, there are 29 sentences in this column spread across a whopping 26 paragraphs. We’re guessing that those three Faulkneresque paragraphs that actually have two sentences each were mistakes of some sort.

We Love it When Wally Gets Passive-Aggressive #1: As the most prominent sportswriter in the state (!!!), Wally undoubtedly has plenty of inside sources. But, he generally prefers to use this info to drop vague hints rather than taking a firm stand. For example: “Any time a team goes from 23-12 to 13-13, there are going to be whispers about turmoil among the staff, between players or both…While there is no way this team could be as dysfunctional as last year’s team, something isn’t right.”

Folksy Metaphor Alert: “Courtney Fortson is more fun to watch than night baseball”

March 4, 2009: Tournaments are another chance to impress

Primary Theme: Wally returns to one of his favorite topics – playing the good host to out-of-towners who are attending local basketball tournaments and exhorting readers to please be nice.

Ask Not What Your Tournament Can Do For You, But What You Can Do For Your Tournament: “It is a time for every Arkansan to shine and make every visitor feel that “y’all come back now” is a heartfelt invitation.”

Wally Hall Writing Tip #187: Randomly dropping the names of various local figures is a great way to achieve maximum folksiness. Donald and Marie McDonald, Rob and Jill Jolly, Paul Chmura…you’re today’s lucky honorees!

But on Sunday, Unleash Hell: “There are going to be a lot of people wandering around North Little Rock’s Main Street and the River Market wearing orange and other colors, and until Sunday they are our guests, not opponents.”

We Love it When Wally Gets Passive-Aggressive #2: “This is why we have a $20 million trolley system. It might actually be full a few times.”

Hot Springs Travel Tips: “From Oaklawn Park and Instant Racing to the eclectic shops on Central Avenue – not to mention the incredible art galleries and hot baths – the Spa City is a great vacation destination.” (Wally makes a pretty good tourism writer, but we hope he never ever stops writing sports columns.)

This morning has produced that rarest of events: a Wally Hall column that contains something other than unintentional comedy and incomprehensible passages. Today, the Ol’ Greybeard sheds some light on the Marcus Monk situation, which until now has been guarded with a level of secrecy that would set Dick Cheney’s decrepit heart a-flutter.

From the column:

“Maybe if Marcus Monk hadn’t been forced to borrow some money to pay his bills – from a guy he’s known since he was 10 years old – the Arkansas Razorbacks could have beaten Kentucky.

Because Monk had a long, prior relationship with the friend, it never occurred to him someone might object, but after a bank employee called the University of Arkansas to report Monk and the check, everyone – including Monk – was all out to clear up the situation.

Since the UA has had three NCAA investigations in 10 years, it decided to take the high road rather than fight, even though if an athlete has a relationship with someone before the age of 15 the friendship is considered to not be based on athletics.

Monk and his friend’s relationship started a decade before the friend served as a graduate assistant for Stan Heath.”

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

January 15, 2009: Pelphrey can’t pull best from Hogs this time

Primary Theme: Wally breaks down the Razorbacks’ disappointing loss to Ole Miss like only he can – with folksy analogies.

Breaking it Down, Pt 1: “Saying the Razorbacks got off to a slow start would be like saying this time of year a Delta soybean field isn’t much of a tourist attraction.”

Breaking it Down, Pt 2: “Shortly after the football celebration – and, yes, it was most likely a coincidence – the basketball team went colder than a Tunica craps table on a Saturday night.”

January 16, 2009: Razorbacks have to strike balance to succeed

Primary Theme(s): Dr. Hall prescribes his cure for the ailing Hogs, then weighs in with his opinion on the heated “Just how awesome is Tim Tebow?” debate (Wally, next time just leave a comment on our site).

Say What?: “As exciting as the freshman point guard is, he isn’t that good, but Michael Jordan didn’t start winning NBA championships until the Chicago Bulls got Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant.”

Wally Uses the New Math: “The Razorbacks [open up the middle] by running the offense, which as a rule takes more than one pass – and sometimes it’s none – before they fire.”

The Extra Work is Always Worth It, Though: One of the fun challenges of analyzing a Wally Hall column is that sometimes you have to read a phrase four or five times before the true meaning sinks in. For example, at first I was confused that he found it “disturbing” that people were googling John 3:16 during the BCS Championship game. But then, after further analysis, it dawned on me that the disturbing part was that so many people had to look up the meaning of the phrase written on Tebow’s face. Man, I love it when stuff works on so many different levels like that!

We Probably Would Have Gone with “Verbally”: Something about this just sounds a little off…”Tebow, Bradford and McCoy all gave thanks to God orally.”

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

Dec. 28, 2008: Bowl experiences have been ride to remember.

Primary Theme: Wally feels a little out of sorts with no Razorback bowl game to cover and thus reflects on his past bowl-game travels.

Are You Sure You’ve Been Covering Razorback Bowl Games?: “I’ve seen great games, heart-breaking losses and players mostly having a great experience.”

We Think We Know What He Means, But Still: “… so we took off to see the oldest continuous city in the United States, St. Augustine … .” Continuous city?

Please God, Make This Happen: “Yet, if I were to write my memoirs, … .” We here at Razorback Expats are now commencing nightly prayer sessions in an attempt to make a Wally Hall autobiography a reality. That book would just be too much fun. We might even sacrifice a chicken or two to further curry favor with the publishing gods.

It’s Moments Like This That Make You Wonder If It’s All Worthwhile: We don’t know if we’ve ever felt more compassion for a human being than we do for the limo driver that Wally says drove him and his buddies around town a few days before the 1981 Gator Bowl.

Picture this man’s plight: He’s driving what we have to assume is an intoxicated Wally and his friends, who are pelting his eardrums with performance after performance of “I Hear Little Rock Calling.” That’s bad enough, but it gets worse. Wally and crew treat the poor fella as if he’s a fraternity pledge, repeatedly telling him that they are staying at a certain hotel, only to inform him that they are staying at a different hotel when he delivers them to the requested spot.

Such a hellacious evening – we still can’t get over how truly horrifying that sounds – must have made the driver wonder if life was indeed worth living. We would certainly understand if his answer at that point was “no.”

Analysis: A classic Wally travelogue piece. The only thing missing is a description of any and all visits to local Mexican restaurants.

Here at Razorback Expats, we are spirited defenders of The Natural State (although we have mellowed out from our college years, when we were just flat-out defensive). As any Arkansan knows, that can be a tough job. Nevertheless, we bravely soldier on.

This bit of news, however, gives us more than a little pause: Wally Hall was named “Best Newspaper Writer” in the Arkansas Times’ annual Best of Arkansas awards. (The awardees are determined by the votes of the paper’s readers.)

Even we don’t know how to spin that.