Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

June 4, 2008: Hail to the chief or get tossed through window.

Primary Theme: Wally makes his highly sought-after presidential endorsement, and let’s just say that Charles Barkley is probably forming his exploratory committee right about now.

Just Try to Say This in One Breath: “[Barkley] missed and hit a little girl, to which he not only apologized, he bought her and her family tickets to future games and when his career ended he said that was the only regret he had from his career.”

Straight Out of the Playbook: As we’ve noted before, a favorite Wally trick is to use the full name of a figure he’s writing about, and it’s on full display here. Apparently Sir Charles’ middle name is Wade.

What Would Hillary Say About This? We try to stay far away from politics here at Razorback Expats, but one thing that impressed us about this year’s primary season was that, for most people at least, the candidates’ genders didn’t seem to be a critical factor one way or the other. Don’t count Wally in that camp, though, as he disqualifies Oprah on the basis that “there are too many countries we must deal with right now that would never accept any woman as a leader and spokesman.”

Possibly a Sign of the Apocalypse: We just spent a few minutes trying to properly phrase a sentence about Wally Hall’s evaluation of Oprah Winfrey as a fictional Presidential candidate.

Grammar Police, Arrest This Man: If you read Wally literally (and we always do), he seems to be suggesting that parents and teachers shouldn’t be raising Charles Barkley. Well, duh! Check it out: “…[Barkley] knew parents and teachers need to be raising their children, not him.”

Our Analysis: When Wally teased us by referencing his upcoming presidential pick in his June 3rd column, it didn’t take long for visions of jokes about Obama and McCain each trying to distance themselves from the endorsement to start dancing through our head. So, when we fired up the computer the next morning and learned that he was choosing between Oprah and Charles Barkley we were a little let down.

In the end, it provided some decent Wally Watch fodder, but it wasn’t the bombshell we’d been hoping for. More than anything, it seemed to reveal an increasing desperation on Wally’s part to find suitable column topics during the football and basketball offseasons (hey, we can relate). For all of our sakes - but especially Wally’s - football season can’t start soon enough.

On Tuesday, we read a wickedly hilarious ArkansasSports360 post about a recent Wally Hall column in which The Old Graybeard boo-hoo-hooed about how tough life as a sportswriter is. (We know that we speak for Razorback fans everywhere when we say we’re grateful that Wally endures such hardships to bring us his inimitable insight on such topics as Mexican food, softball and Charles Baker, to name a few regular subjects.)

But, when we were compiling yesterday’s Pulitzer-winning Hodge Podge, we noticed that the post was no longer on the site. Hmm, we thought. Could it be that our companion cocktail of grain alcohol and Robitussin was making us “remember” something that didn’t actually exist? We then polished off the drink and put our staff of interns on the case.

Through the use of an ancient Chinese secret - okay, Google cache - our staff was able to track down the post in question. So, without further ado … here it is. Enjoy.

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

May 8, 2008: Hitting to all fields as summer draws near.

Primary Theme: Wally decides to write about baseball.

Irony Alert: While taking half of his column to meander to his baseball observations, Wally spends a little time detailing how much e-mail he receives this time of year and a lot of time describing one of his regular e-mailers. Included among the detours is this bit of praise for some of those who write him frequently: “They understand brevity and getting to the point.”

Ward Cleaver, Eat Your Heart Out: Wally’s need to make the people he admires sound like they stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting or a 1950s sitcom is on full display in the following passage, which describes Doug, an “e-mail pal” of Wally’s: “He’s married to his childhood sweetheart, and they are as much in love today as the day they met. They attend church regularly. He’s very, very proud of his children and grandchildren. Doug leads an uncomplicated life that includes breakfasts with his friends, lunches too, generally at the North Little Rock Corky’s, where he almost always gets the ribs.”

Godliness, food - it’s all there. Seriously, does it get any more Wally than that?

Wally Comes Not to Bury Caesar, but to Praise Himself: “This time of year, as the dog days of summer approach, the e-mails start to slow down, dropping from around 275-300 per day to 85-100. Almost all are answered.”

Jarring Closing: “Now, that may not be enough baseball news to cause my friend Doug a stroke, and hopefully it won’t, because your scribe has been there and done that, and it’s not fun.”

Our Analysis: Being Razorback bloggers, we can empathize with Wally’s difficulty in finding something to write about during this time of year. However, as we stated a while back, we don’t write about baseball. Wally shouldn’t either.

May 11, 2008: Plenty to love about Hillis despite strange fall.

Primary Theme: Peyton Hillis was drafted lower than expected, and the reason why will probably always be a mystery.

Interesting Fact: “Josh Melton, a four-year letterman on the Razorbacks’ offensive line, called Sports Animals on Arkansas Radio Network last week, unsolicited, to say he believed [Houston] Nutt had told scouts there were character and injury issues and that Hillis is tough to have in the locker room.”

God Watch: Wally seems to like Peyton, so, per an obscure federal statute, Hillis must be described as a man of faith: “Yet, while he could be outspoken at times and almost critical of some coaching decisions after tough, emotional losses, he’s a young man who now always talks about God and how important he is in his life.”

And no, we didn’t lowercase the “h” in “he.” Wally did, and he’ll have to answer to the man upstairs for that one.

Choice Analogy: “Hillis is tougher than a claw hammer on a pecan.”

Our Analysis: To be fair, this isn’t a bad column. It’s blessedly free of descriptions of Wally’s recent meals and contains only one groaner of an analogy. And Hillis’ apparent fall from scouting grace is an interesting subject. It doesn’t sound like Wally has the sources to provide anything more than speculation and second-hand information, but - grading on the Wally curve - this is an above-average effort.

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

May 1, 2008: Kentucky Derby memories are forever vivid

Primary Theme: The Kentucky Derby sure is fun. But, things ain’t like they used to be.

Key Elements: A virtuosic combination of name-dropping and nostalgia that only the sports editor of the state’s largest newspaper could pull off.

The Odd Couple?: When Wally writes “A couple of years were spent crashing in Randy Moss’ room”, we know he’s not referring to THAT Randy Moss, but you have to admit it’s a pretty amazing image. In fact, we’d pay a substantial sum to be a fly on the wall watching the antics caused by those two rooming together.

Grammar Alert #1: “My financially favorite race was 1987.”

Names Dropped: Rex Nelson, Randy Moss, Kane Webb, Spider Webb (!), Jeff Krupsaw, Kim Brazzel, Angel Cordero, Ray Lincoln.

Aspiring Journalists, Take Note: In true Wally fashion, this super-brief paragraph appears out of the blue with no apparent connection to the words immediately before or after it: “Once I got a call from an old friend; he was there on his honeymoon. Now Jeff Krupsaw is the deputy sports editor at the Democrat-Gazette.” After reading it through several times, our only conclusion is that Mr. Krupsaw’s current career path owes a lot to that timely phone call.

Grammar Alert #2: “Wednesday, three couples, personal friends, left for the Derby.” (that’s a full paragraph, by the way)

Our Analysis: There’s probably a worthwhile point buried somewhere in there about how corporate influences have changed our most beloved sporting events, but of course Wally takes about six personal detours too many to make any of that really hit home.

However, as far as Wally columns go, this one is pretty innocuous. Although the random name-dropping (at this point, if you’re even a casual acquaintance of Wally and haven’t been referenced in his column, you’re probably doing something very wrong) gets a little old, he manages to stay away from the tendencies towards innuendo and preachiness for which he’s so beloved.

In the end, though, we were a little disappointed that he couldn’t fit at least one reference to a lavish meal (preferably Mexican food) he enjoyed during his Derby travels. And most of all, we’re finding ourselves wishing we lived in a world where Wally Hall was buddy-buddy with the football playing Randy Moss rather than the sportswriting version. One can dream…

As America’s favorite non-sporting sporting event, the NFL Draft certainly receives a lot of coverage. And, with six players drafted the Hogs were a major factor this year. Here are some links I’ve been saving up:

* Probably the best thing I read after the draft was this interview with Felix Jones. He landed in a great situation and sounds incredibly excited about it…he refers to it as “a dream come true” three times in a short span. Here’s a good quote on how he happy he is to be a Cowboy:
It will be an honor. I know that for sure. That star represents a lot. That is something I am going to wear and play my best and I am just happy now that I am getting a chance to put it on. This is a dream come true for me. 

* Of course, there are always naysayers and Arkansas Sports 360 reminds us that some folks in Dallas aren’t too happy about Felix being their first round draft pick. (editor’s note: Why??)

* On the flip side of that argument, SI’s Don Banks has the full story on why Jerry Jones went with Felix and ESPN’s John Clayton praises the choice.

* Surely you’ve been wondering what Warren Sapp thinks about D-Mac going to the Raiders. Well, wonder no more…according to this interview with Michael Silver, he wholeheartedly approves, calling the match “a perfect fit”.

* More from Don Banks: he pegs the McFadden vs Bush vs Fargas running back situation in Oakland as one of the top training camp battles to watch.

* Several undrafted Razorbacks were invited to various training camps. Tom Murphy has the latest on Robert Felton, Michael Grant, Matteral Richardson, Weston Dacus and more.

* What does Wally think about all this? Here’s his breakdown of the draft.

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

April 3, 2008: Domino effect could see Pelphrey in Kentucky

Primary Theme: The forced resignation of Sean Sutton at Oklahoma State could set in motion chain of events that would result in John Pelphrey coaching at Kentucky next year. Nobody likes the sound of that.

We Do, However, Like the Sound of This: “A deadly domino”

Wally Hall Writing Tip #419: To add a little color and familiarity to your writing, refer to sports figures by punny versions of their real names. For example, the “Sean Sudden” reference in this column. (However, there’s at least a 10% chance that’s a typo.)

Wally Hall Writing Tip #627: To add a little color and familiarity to your writing, refer to sports figures by their first, middle and last names. For example, see the “Billy Clyde Gillispie” and “John Leslie Pelphrey” references in this column.

More Proof that You Never Really Outgrow Junior High: According to Wally, here’s how it breaks down: Boone doesn’t like Sean (or Eddie). Boone likes Bill, but Bill’s not interested. Boone might also like Billy, and if Billy likes Boone then John might leave us for his first love. Got all that?

Our Analysis: One of our biggest complaints about Wally is that his columns are usually about 98% fluff, so to be fair it’s nice to see him write about something more meaningful, even if it does come across as a bit rumor-ish.

On one hand, you’d think that the (theoretically) leading sportswriter in the state would have some inside information that makes this a legitimate story. On the other hand, it might just be that Wally hasn’t been to any good new Mexican restaurants lately and thus is desperate for something to write about.

In the end, this is definitely a story we’ll monitor, but we’re having a hard time imagining the Kentucky basketball coach voluntarily leaving after one year in favor of Oklahoma State, no matter how annoying the UK fans are. We’ll probably have to deal with these rumors every offseason until Pelphrey actually does leave for Kentucky, but the guess here is that for now he sticks around.

Special Non-Wally Addendum: Here are a couple of other links dealing with the Gillispie-to-OSU rumors:

* Could Gillispie be tempted away to Stillwater?

* Big Oil, Oklahoma State Targeting Gillispie

* Overall, you’d have to say that Wally’s column from today wasn’t too bad, particularly by his standards. Still, get a load of this groaner: “[Stan Heath’s] sideline de-meanor bothered a lot of the fans because he seemed docile. Pelphrey is quite different. The more mistakes the players make, mental or physical, demeanor he got.”

* John Brummett gets all huffy about Arkansans booing the Texas Longhorns in Alltel Arena this past weekend, and ArkansasSports360.com’s Jim Harris, who recently stopped by this site for a visit, says that Brummett could use some history lessons.

* For the “Sun Rises in the East” file: A Razorback football player has a brush with the law.

* For the “Good News” file: Marcus Monk appears to have improved his draft stock.

* Sweet (New) Home Chicago? Bears coach Lovie Smith recently lunched with former Hog running backs Darren McFadden and Felix Jones.

* Quick Programming Note: With the basketball season just completed and the new football season still a few months off, posting may be a bit slower than usual here at RazorbackExpats.com - at least for the next few weeks or so, as we take a little time to pause and catch our breath. But, we have an active spring and summer planned - with the unveiling of the RazorbackExpats Hall of Fame and more Q&A’s with various Hog heroes on the schedule - so check back often.

This week Stephen and I have been so focused on publishing tournament analyses from our witty and wise contributors and doing Q&A’s with former basketball stars that we’ve barely had time to think about the fact that there’s an entire NCAA sub-regional taking place in (North) Little Rock this weekend. That’s pretty damn cool.

Of course, hosting such a big event tends to bring out the best in the local media. In his column today, Wally Hall unleashes an all-time gem that includes a variety of goofy tourist tips plus a lament that the games are going to be played on Good Friday and Easter. I was all set to do a Wally Watch on the subject when I noticed that Tre Baker over at Arkansas Sports 360 had already taken care of that for me (with savage effectiveness, I might add). It’s laugh-out-loud hilarious, so definitely check it out.

Tre also continues his hot streak for the day by providing his own alternate suggestions for things fans of each team can do while in town. His advice to Mississippi State fans is classic:

“Starkville fans, prepare to be amazed. Spread out across the metropolis are eating places called “McDonald’s”. You’ll be fascinated by the technology used to fulfill your gastrological indulgences: Watch as they make your hamburger from INSIDE the building. Listen as the French fry machine plays “Oye Como Va”. You won’t find sweet tea here, but you will be able to observe technology dispense your drink using an electronic pump device. Rest rooms are indoors as well, complete with running water.”

There’s plenty of other great stuff in the post, including some old-fashioned Texas bashing, although I have to raise a good-natured protest about his description of my adopted hometown, Oakland (it’s actually a nice place!). That minor grievance aside, both articles are highly recommended. Read and enjoy!

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

Our Deep Throat recently sent us more entries from his collection of Wallyisms - those wonderfully bizarre and/or poorly constructed sentences that could only emanate from the keyboard of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette’s lead sports columnist. (For some other gems from Deep Throat’s collection, click here and here.) We’re nearing the end of a decidedly blah season of Razorback basketball, so we figured we could all use a good chuckle or two. Enjoy:

10/29/1999: [On the opening of Alltel Arena:] Pride filled every organ.

4/5/2006: Someday, when the NBA dumps millions on him and the adoring fans of a team thrust him on a pedal, [Joakim] Noah may become a prima donna.

2/22/2008: Another thing that would help and could be a huge factor Saturday as well as his prospects in the pros: Sonny Weems need to stick that midrange jumper.

2/24/2008: There were calls made later than a departure at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport on a rainy day, and there was at least one makeup call and definitely several fouls by the Kentucky Wildcats that were ignored like sugar-free lemonade.

3/4/2008: There is some snow on the roof, but the basketball burning is back in the belly. Nolan Richardson addressed the Downtown Tip-Off Club on Monday, and while there was a little more pepper in his previously all white hair, there was even more spice in his energetic, enthusiastic and entertaining talk.

3/4/2008: Now that Richardson has openly admitted he’s ready to return to coaching, there has been enough time passed since his lawsuit that other schools might be interested in him.

Wally Watch: Where we read Wally Hall so you don’t have to.

While most of you undoubtedly were kicking off the holiday weekend last night by toasting Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore, we met in an underground parking garage with our Deep Throat, who handed over a new collection of Wallyisms. He also noted that our Monday post failed to list some gems contained in the first batch that he gave us; we have published those omissions below. (We don’t quite know what to make of this, but, as our meeting ended, he tossed his cigarette on the pavement, ground it out with his leather shoe and warned, “Everyone’s life is in danger.”) Without further ado:

6/18/2006: Taylor, who relied heavily on a great counterpunch for most of his scoring, was more aggressive in the middle of the ring and he beat the living hell out of Wright’s gloves, which the crowd thought was scoring hits, but they are not.

6/21/2006: The sports department of this newspaper is looking for the 18 hardest holes in the state. The hole you get a heaviness in your neck when you think about it.

2/15/2008: That day the temperature was 117 degrees outside, a dry heat, but then so is a microwave oven.

2/15/2008: It was again suggested Taylor might want to reconsider Steward, especially after he struggled against Cory Spinks, on a night when Kelly Pavlik knocked out Edison Miranda and Steward later claimed he had wanted Taylor to fight Miranda, who has a powerful punch and a glass jaw.