Welcome to the final installment in our series of providing handy pre-game cheat sheets detailing why you should hate each one of the Razorbacks’ football opponents. If you need any help getting fired up for the Cotton Bowl, here’s your motivation:

1. They Think They’re Better Than the Cotton Bowl. To be fair, they have a legitimate gripe in this case…for reasons not really clear to anybody, the Tigers were passed over by the Orange Bowl in favor of their hated rival Kansas (a team they’d beaten decisively only days earlier). At any rate, the team and fans are not happy about it. Will they play with an angry intensity to show that they’d been wronged? Or will they come out flat and disappointed? Either way, we don’t really like this aspect of the situation.

2. They Can Score, Score, Score. It seems like we’ve written a variation of this one before nearly every game this season, but Missou’s offense has the potential to rack up some major points against our occasionally porous D. Led by Heisman finalist Chase Daniel’s 4,170 passing yards and 33 touchdowns, the Tigers are putting up almost 42 points per game. You don’t have to be an ESPN expert [sarcasm alert] to realize that the Hogs are going to have to put up some serious points of their own to win this shootout.

3. Without Missouri, There Would Be No “Blank Shark Eyes“. That’s right, the University of Missouri Journalism School spawned the world’s foremost authority on hating Bobby Petrino: Mr. Pat Forde. Thanks guys…without your proud alum we never would have known that our new football coach is nothing less than the 21st century Hitler.

4. It’s a Bowl Game. Arkansas always loses bowl games (granted, our last bowl win came against the Tigers so maybe there’s hope). It might just be an unbreakable law of the universe that the Hogs lose their bowl games, but maybe - just maybe - working up a little extra animosity against Missouri will help reverse this trend. It’s worth a shot…

5. Frankly, Missouri is a Little Boring. Last time we checked, Arkansas has bordered Missouri for a very long time. Yet, during that entire time the Tigers have inspired a sports rivalry with the Hogs hovering between slim and none (unlike our relationships with teams from fellow border states Texas, Tennessee, Mississippi and Louisiana). Obviously conference affiliations have something to do with this, but you’d think something would have been cooked up by now if they’d been an exciting opponent. Call that a reason for low-level disrespect rather than a reason to hate if you will, but that’s how we see it.

In case you need any extra help getting fired up, we’ll be providing a handy pre-game cheat sheet detailing why you should hate each one of the Razorbacks’ opponents this fall. Some weeks will be easier than others…

1. They Screwed Up Our 2006 Mojo. Things were going swimmingly for the Razorbacks as they headed into last year’s Thanksgiving weekend match-up against LSU in Little Rock: Arkansas had won 10 games in a row, was ranked No. 5 in the country, had already claimed the outright SEC West title and was even in the national championship picture. But JaMarcus Russell passed for 210 yards and two touchdowns, and the No. 9 Tigers walked out of War Memorial Stadium with a wild 31-26 victory despite 182 rushing yards from Darren McFadden and 137 from Felix Jones. Poor Casey Dick completed only three of 17 passes for 29 yards. This heartbreaking and very winnable game kicked off a stretch of three similar Hog losses that closed out what had been a magical season.

2. LSU Fans Make Hating Easy. Yes, we have to say we admire the fact that, after a 1988 upset of Auburn, the LSU home crowd’s reaction was so mighty that it registered on a nearby seismograph. And our arms could be twisted into partaking of the famous Saturday afternoon Death Valley tailgating extravaganza. Still … anybody who has attended an LSU game can testify to the sheer, unrelenting and often frightening obnoxiousness of Tiger fans. Perhaps the “batshit crazy” tag is better applied to the fans of this SEC West team.

3. They’re Lucky. Make no mistake: We recognize LSU is good, occasionally even scary good. But, the Tigers have also led something of a charmed life this season. Against the Gators, LSU converted five fourth downs, one of which was a fourth-and-1 inside the Florida 10 with about 2 minutes remaining in the fourth quarter – when a field goal would have tied the game. Against Auburn, the Tigers won on a last-second 22-yard TD pass to Demetrius Byrd. Had the pass been batted away, LSU likely wouldn’t have had the opportunity to kick a potential game-winning field goal. Maybe we’re just jealous – but, still, it drives us nuts.

4. They Have Our Number. Ever since the 2002 “Miracle on Markham St.” (which, to be honest, was more miraculous than it was a decisive win…it sure was great, though) the Tigers have completely owned the Hogs. Frankly, it’s hard for us to be a consistent threat to win the SEC West when these guys are standing in the way every year. Dammit, we want that silly Boot back!

5. Their Coaching Drama Is Stealing the Spotlight from Our Coaching Drama. Just when we were settling into the twisted madness that is the Houston Nutt Saga, along comes the Is Les Miles Going To Michigan Saga. All year long we’ve rested easy at night knowing that, if nothing else, the Hogs surely best all comers in the category of wacky, soap opera-esque craziness surrounding the program. Now, as Miles’ hypothetical career moves begin to overshadow the Tigers’ very real quest for the national championship, we don’t even own this category anymore. Is nothing sacred??

In case you need any extra help getting fired up, we’ll be providing a handy pre-game cheat sheet detailing why you should hate each one of the Razorbacks’ opponents this fall. Some weeks will be easier than others…

1. They’re Better Than We Are. The Bulldogs aren’t Crooming their opponents anymore, they’re just straight up beating them. Looking at the matchup with brutal objectivity, you’d have to say that they’re better than we are at this point in the season, and with Felix Jones hobbled with an injury we don’t like where this train of thought is headed.

2. They Own the State of Alabama (and Kentucky). MSU-19, Auburn-14. MSU-31, Kentucky-14. MSU-17, Alabama-12. Given how our own games turned out at against those three teams, we’d be lying if we said we weren’t a little jealous.

3. They’re Standing in the Way Between Us and a Crappy Bowl Game. With all but two SEC teams already bowl-eligible (sorry Ole Miss and Vandy) but only limited spots available, this game could amount to a play-in for the Blah Blah C-List Corporate Sponsor No Name Bowl. Think about that for a second. Then think about how much it sucks that a team with Darren McFadden and Felix Jones is having to battle the Mississippi State Bulldogs for the right to play in even the lamest of bowl games.

4. They Get Fired Up in Ways That Make Us Queasy. Or at least they used to…who can forget when Jackie Sherrill, that legendary class act, tried to rally his team before a game against Texas by castrating a bull during practice? (ok, Sherrill didn’t actually do the castration, but he made it happen) Of course, the Bulldogs won that game 28-10, which shows you how much we know about motivating college football teams (or at least ones from Mississippi).

5. They Might Not Have the Internet in Starkville. Astute readers of this blog might have noticed that we haven’t done a Q&A with a Mississippi State blogger this week. That’s because there don’t seem to be any Mississippi State bloggers. A search of the Best of the SEC blogroll as well as the Internet at large turned up exactly zero appropriate sparring partners for us. Maybe AOL should drop off a bunch of their free CDs on and around the MSU campus before next year’s game.

In case you need any extra help getting fired up, we’ll be providing a handy pre-game cheat sheet detailing why you should hate each one of the Razorbacks’ opponents this fall. Some weeks will be easier than others…

1. They’ve Pretty Much Kicked Our Ass. Arkansas and Tennessee have met 15 times on the gridiron - and the Vols have won 12 of those games. The losses have ranged from agonizingly close (see 1990 Cotton Bowl, the fumble in 1998 and the 6 OT loss in 2002) to humiliating (see 55-14 defeat in 1996). Add in an 11-8 series edge over Arkansas in basketball since the Hogs joined the SEC, and it’s easy to see why some Razorback fans may have some anger management issues when it comes to Tennessee.

2. The Song … That @##^!!!! Song. As anyone who has attended, watched or listened to a UT game can attest, the song “Rocky Top” will be played by the school band approximately 5 million times during tomorrow’s contest. To quote a line from the “Family Ties” character Steven Keaton, it’s enough “to make a killer out of Gandhi.”

To make matters even more irritating, we hear that Vols fans revel in our “Rocky Top”-induced misery. We suppose we could at least partially thwart these diabolical individuals by maintaining a Zen-like, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi-endorsed calm during the endless performances of the song. But, it’s just not that easy, is it?

3. That Certain Je Ne Sais Quoi. Pardon our French. And we know this list is supposed to be specific. But there’s some intangible quality about the Vols that make them annoyingly hateable. For as long as we can remember, every last thing about that team has bugged us. A lot. Perhaps we’ll put our finger on it one day, but for now we’ll just point to their undefinable sucktitude.

4. The 1990 Cotton Bowl. It’s a bowl game, so of course Arkansas lost. But the Hogs actually played well in this wild shootout. The Razorbacks entered the fourth-quarter trailing 31-13 but staged a furious late-game rally before ultimately falling by a score of 31-27. When all was said and done, the Hogs had accumulated 568 yards of total offense, and Tennessee had notched 470. Doesn’t sound so bad, considering Arkansas’ truly horrible bowl history.

So, why is this game on the list? Because it marked the beginning of an awful period in Razorback football history. Within days of this loss, Ken Hatfield had bolted to Clemson, and the depressing Jack Crowe era was underway, which was followed by the depressing (but brief) Joe Kines era and the depressing (sensing a trend?) Danny Ford era.

We blame then-UT coach Johnny Majors. Oh sure, he might look the squarest of squares, the most mainstream of mainstreamers, but we’re convinced that the ex-Razorback assistant is a secret shaman who cast some sort of evil spell over his former employer. Perhaps Frank Broyles once tried to steal his chick or something. Whatever the reason, the curse wouldn’t truly be broken until Houston Dale Nutt arrived in 1998, which leads us to our final reason:

5. Just Ask Clint Stoerner. 11/14/98, Knoxville, Tennessee. With just under two minutes remaining, the Razorbacks were on the verge of extending a magical undefeated season by pulling off a major upset of top-ranked Tennessee. We all know what happened next. For the sake of everyone’s mental health, we won’t rehash all the gory details, but watching the Vols and their fans dance on our graves meant we would forever have at least one reason to hate UT.

In case you need any extra help getting fired up, we’ll be providing a handy pre-game cheat sheet detailing why you should hate each one of the Razorbacks’ opponents this fall. Some weeks will be easier than others …

1. The Evil Genius - Actually, one of us finds Spurrier pretty funny and enjoys the personality that he brings to the game and his interviews. Still, we imagine that the visor and the grimaces and smirks will become oh-so-irritating in the heat of tonight’s battle. (By that standard, one can only imagine how irritating HDN must be to opposing fans.)

2. Quarterback Jealousy - Gamecock fans may not be thrilled with the team’s unsettled situation at quarterback, but don’t you wish we had a QB capable of going out and completing 31 of 45 passing attempts for 290 yards, as Blake Mitchell did in basically a half of football last week? To be fair, Casey Dick doesn’t have the greatest receiving corps to work with. Still …

3. They are Third-Down Demons - According to this game preview in the The Morning News, South Carolina’s opponents have a measly third-down conversion rate of 27 percent. Combine Arkansas’ passing-game woes with that statistic, and the Gamecocks could make it a very long night in Fayetteville if they are able to force the Hogs into numerous third and long situations.

4. Hootie Was (T)Here - South Carolina alum Darius Rucker seems like a perfectly nice man. We even imagine that he would be good to have a beer with (which in today’s America is apparently the ultimate compliment you can pay someone). But his band Hootie and the Blowfish is deeply irritating. To paraphrase one of his songs, hopefully tonight the Gamecocks will make him cry.

And the reason to like South Carolina: They are bad at stopping the run. The Gamecocks are ranked ninth in the league in run defense, allowing nearly 170 yards a game on the ground. That could mean big nights for McFadden and Jones and a big, desperately needed win for the Hogs.

In case you need any extra help getting fired up, we’ll be providing a handy pre-game cheat sheet detailing why you should hate each one of the Razorbacks’ opponents this fall. Some weeks will be easier than others …

1. It’s a Boring Matchup. One week after our first SEC victory, we’re itching to see the Hogs take on another conference opponent and find out if last week’s nice win was a harbinger of things to come. Instead, we get another, but thankfully final, installment of the Razorbacks’ beyond-boring non-conference schedule. As one writer said earlier this year - we forget who it was - “How can Arkansas look at its season-ticket holders with a straight face?”

2. It’s a No-Win Situation. If the Hogs win by a lot - hey, it’s Florida International, a team that has lost 19 straight and hasn’t tasted victory since December 2005. If they struggle, another week of angst and agitation among Arkansas fans.

3. They’ve Got a Bit of a Temper. During Florida International’s game against Miami last season, a national-headline-making brawl broke out that resulted in the suspension of 31 players. During the incident, one Florida International player swung his helmet at a Miami player. McFadden and the fellas may want to watch the trash talking.

4. They Make Blogging Hard. This isn’t supposed to be work, but trying to find reasons to hate Florida International (and Arkansas’ other non-conference opponents) sure feels like it. Furthermore, it kind of seems cruel, like clubbing a baby seal. This feature usually lists five reasons to hate the Hogs’ opponent. Four is as far as we can stretch it this week.

In case you need any extra help getting fired up, we’ll be providing a handy pre-game cheat sheet detailing why you should hate each one of the Razorbacks’ opponents this fall. Some weeks will be easier than others…

1. They Can Make a Bad Season That Much Worse. At the beginning of the year, this game was viewed by many Arkansas fans as a sure win, a rout on the way to the Hogs being a serious national factor. Now, it’s a face-off between two teams that are winless in the conference, a battle to avoid staying at the bottom of the SEC West for at least another week. A loss to Ole Miss — a real possibility — would blow wide open the dispiriting gap between pre-season expectations and in-season reality. We’ll take a win any way we can get it - even if it takes seven overtimes.

2. Enough Already of the Mannings. Two members of the Greatest Football Family Ever were star quarterbacks for Ole Miss. Archie Manning played for the Rebels in the late 60s and early 70s; his son Eli did so more than 30 years later. To be truthful, we don’t the Mannings particularly unlikable (and several of Peyton’s recent TV ads are outright funny), but we’re kind of sick of hearing about the whole clan. Perhaps we’re just jealous.

3. Unhappy New Year. Speaking of Archie Manning, he and his Rebels defeated the Hogs 27-22 in the 1970 Sugar Bowl. The loss came several weeks after then-No. 2 Arkansas lost a 15-14 heartbreaker to No. 1 Texas in a regular season finale that was billed as the “Game of the Century.” After watching their national championship hopes slip away, the Hogs were looking to at least end the season on a positive note. Archie and Co. denied them that chance. The nerve. Ole Miss also defeated Arkansas by a score of 17-13 in the 1963 Sugar Bowl, so the Rebels have a not-insignificant role in a subject we never tire of making smart-ass remarks about: the Hogs’ miserable bowl history.

4. Coach Orgeron - Apparently Not Such a Nice Guy. For those going to Saturday’s game and sitting near the Ole Miss sideline, we recommend that you don’t make Ole Miss Coach Ed Orgeron mad at you. About 15 years ago, a Dade County, Fla., court ordered Orgeron, then an assistant at Miami, to stay away from the home and workplace of a woman who accused him of repeated domestic violence. In 1992, he was charged in an incident in which he allegedly head-butted the manager of a Baton Rouge, La., nightclub. According to the Associated Press, the manager later dropped the charges and reached an out-of-court settlement with Orgeron.

5. They’ve Pretty Much Kicked Our Butts in Basketball Recently. Since the start of the 1996-1997 season, the basketball Hogs have a 7-15 record against the Rebels. And to rub salt in our wounds, Ole Miss has often clobbered the Razorbacks with the help of players who are natives of the Natural State. Perhaps Hog assistant Rob Evans, who was head coach at Ole Miss from 1992 to 1998, can spill the Rebels’ secrets to new coach John Pelphrey and help him restore order to the universe.

In case you need any extra help getting fired up, we’ll be providing a handy pre-game cheat sheet detailing why you should hate each one of the Razorbacks’ opponents this fall. Some weeks will be easier than others…

1. They Aren’t Very Good Guests. The Hogs have a losing record (3-4, to be exact) in home games against Auburn. That’s pretty rude of the Tigers, if you ask us. We can only assume that Auburn coaches and players talk loudly on their cell phones during movies, don’t clean up after their dogs and treat service workers shabbily. Of course, one might say that Arkansas treated Auburn pretty rudely last fall, when the Hogs waltzed into Jordan-Hare Stadium and trounced the then-No. 2 Tigers by a score of 27-10. One would be wrong. During one of our weekly “tequila and poker nights” with Miss Manners, she assured us this was perfectly acceptable behavior.

2. They Cursed Us. Before meeting Auburn in the 1984 Liberty Bowl, the Hogs sported a not-terrible bowl record of 8-9-3. However, Arkansas lost to the Tigers 21-15 that fateful night of Dec. 27, 1984, and have gone 3-11 in bowl games since, often looking like a junior college - or a junior high - team in the process. Clearly, something strange and supernatural happened that evening in Memphis. We’re tired of hearing about the curses of the Bambino, the Billy Goat and Steve Bartman - it’s time the sports media recognized the Curse of Bo Jackson.

3. Tenille Went There. That’s right: Toni Tenille of the hideous 1970s pop duo The Captain & Tenille is a member of Auburn’s Class of 1962. Damn you, Auburn, damn you.

4. We Would Never Do Something Like That. Auburn’s fans are so unhinged and so obsessed that they booed their very own quarterback after he endured a particularly bad outing against Mississippi State. Thankfully, Arkansas fans are able to handle the struggles of their football team with balance and perspective.

5. The Hogs’ Destiny Runs Through Them. We said it before Alabama. We said it before Kentucky. And now we’re saying it for the last time before Auburn: this game is going to determine the rest of our season. Pull off a big win like we’ve been known to do against the Tigers, and we could get a nice winning streak going that makes everyone feel better. Pull off another agonizing loss and a goofy banner would be the least of Houston Nutt’s worries. But no second chances after this one…if that doesn’t get you fired up at least a little bit then we don’t know what will.

In case you need any extra help getting fired up, we’ll be providing a handy pre-game cheat sheet detailing why you should hate each one of the Razorbacks’ opponents this fall. Some weeks will be easier than others…

1. D-Mac Deserves Better. No offense towards the UT-Chattanooga players and coaches, who undoubtedly mean well and will try their hardest on Saturday. But the reality is that McFadden could rush for 350 yards and 7 TDs in the first half on Saturday (he actually might) and it would probably still hurt his Heisman chances. It seems that the I-AA (excuse us - FCS) Mocs just aren’t that respected by the voters.

2. TO Is Their Fault. Well, maybe not entirely. But UT-Chattanooga is where Terrell Owens - easily one of the most insufferable sports personalities of recent times - went to school, so they should share a bit of the blame.

3. Ask a Michigan Fan. We’re going to go out on a limb and predict that the Mocs will not pull an Appalachian State on the Hogs. But, ever since that game the possibility at least has to be mentioned. *shudder*

4. Speaking of Upsets… The Mocs lost to the Citadel earlier this season. Hmm…losing to the Citadel. What does that remind you of?

5. Ok, We’re Stumped. We’re sorry to say it, but we give up. We just weren’t able to find a 5th reason here. Frankly, finding five reasons to hate Arkansas’ no-name non-conference opponents seems a bit cruel. We’ll be back with a full slate of reasons to hate Auburn next week.

 In case you need any extra help getting fired up, we’ll be providing a handy pre-game cheat sheet detailing why you should hate each one of the Razorbacks’ opponents this fall. Some weeks will be easier than others…

1. It’s Where Pat Boone, Don Henley and Dr. Phil Went to School. In the interest of full disclosure, some pretty cool people graduated from there as well, but, hey, you trying finding five reasons to hate a Sun Belt football team.

2. They’re Not ASU. If we’re going to play a Sun Belt team (and, to be exact, we play three this year), it should be the one that would actually interest the fans.

3. They Could Stick Around Awhile. The Mean Green lead the Sun Belt Conference in passing, averaging 378 yards a game through the air, and employ a four wide-receiver set. Combine that with the Hogs’ porous pass defense, and maybe this game won’t be the rout many are expecting and hoping for.

4. They Go Bowling in New Orleans. In 2001, they got to go to a bowl game (the New Orleans Bowl) despite posting a losing record in the regular season. Under the bright lights of the Louisiana Superdome, the Mean Green proceeded to get pounded 45-20 by Colorado State. Good thing North Texas wasn’t matched up against the Hogs in a bowl game; the Mean Green surely would have won.

5. They’re From Texas. Any questions?